A Dragon Called Ranma!
by GrimmZ
Summary: Ryoga gets lost and goes back in time to the Middle Ages and is ordered by king Sounthur (SounArthur) to slay the Dragon Ranma, and save the kingdom. His reward might be a princess! FIN
1. The Past

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2, or any of it's characters. I do not own ANY King Arthur story, there are so many I wont name them all, just know that I made up the Triangle table but wont claim ownership of it because Disney or something would sue me, and unlike me, they can afford to bribe the judges.  
  
A Dragon called Ranma!  
Chapter One: The Past!  
  
Ryoga Hibiki was on his way home to see his dog. Rarely did he get the chance to actually be at home, so of course when he noticed that he had somehow ended up in his own neighborhood, he decided to try and find home.  
He didn't make it but Checkers did come to meet him after he got so far. But just then to his shock, horror and chagrin a tornado struck down and he and checkers were thrown back into the past.  
Okay yeah that does suck . . . bite me!  
Ryoga woke up in the middle of nowhere with a throbbing headache. He looked around and saw Checkers sitting next to him. "Checkers . . ." Ryoga whispered. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!"  
"Ho there stranger!" A strange voice said. "Who art thou?"  
Ryoga turned around and saw Ranma's father sitting on an enormous horse wearing polished armor with spikes sticking out of the shoulders and elbows with a huge axe slung over his shoulder. "Mr. Saotome!" Ryoga yelped.  
"Well met Mr. Saotome! I am Gemnalot, first knight of his majesty the king Sounthur."  
"Eh . . . wha?"  
"Surely you have heard of king Sounthur! Lord of the triangle table?" Genmalot asked.  
"Eh . . . maybe . . . yes . . . wait . . . no." Ryoga scratched his head.  
"Well have you heard of the kingdom Rubadub?"  
"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Ryoga yelped.  
"Eh?" It was Genmalot's turn to look confused.  
"Look, Mr. Saotome, don't mess with me, I've got a monster headache, please just tell me: where is the Tendo Training Hall?"  
"The . . . Tendo . . . what now? Oh! You must mean the Tendragon Training Hall!"  
"Eh . . . that'll work." Ryoga frowned.  
"Come then lad! Come and see the glorious capital city of Rubadub, the city Bubblybub."  
"Who names these cities?" Ryoga asked. Genmalot ignored him.  
  
Sounthur Tendragon sat in the Tendragon Training Hall with his three daughters, Kasumian, Nabiatrix and Arkane. He had been meaning to change their names. Or at least Arkane's.  
With him were his finest knights and his beautiful new wife (the old one stopped working and had to be buried) Nodokavere. Despite being surrounded by friends and family he was greatly distressed. "The blasted dragon keeps terrorizing my people! What am I to do?"  
"Send a brave knight to slay it!" Arkane cried.  
"Nay! Doth ye not remember what cruel fate befell sir Mikadahad?"  
"Yes, it was quite entertaining." Nabiatrix shrugged.  
"Perhaps we could try a more powerful knight." Nodokavere offered.  
"Yes! Sir Genmalot is the finest knight in the land! I shall send him!" Sounthur declared.  
"Er . . . no, he's sorely needed here." Nodokavere sighed. "But perhaps another knight . . ."  
"Alas, what other Knights are there? The dragon has eaten all but Genmalot, none of the others can be spared and cursed wizard Happerlin went mad when lady's undergarments were invented." Sounthur began to wipe tears from his eyes.  
"M'lord! I have returned from my patrol!" Genmalot announced, marching down the hall.  
"Eh . . . patrol of what?" Sounthur frowned.  
"I . . . patrolled . . . er . . . I have returned from my patrol." Genmalot tried again.  
"Wonderful!" Sounthur cried.  
"And I have with me a strange young stranger."  
"Not another one! I told you Genmalot, no more threesomes!" Nodokavere cried. Everyone stared at her. "Eh . . . is what . . . I would be saying . . . if er . . . if I were having an affair with Genmalot and of course . . . I . . . am not."  
"Queen Nodokavere!" Kasumian cried.  
"You're not fooling anyone old lady." Nabiatrix sighed.  
"Now, now girls, you know your new mother enjoys role play, no doubt she was role-playing the part of the mistress of Genmalot, our bravest and most attractive knight."  
"You're in denial, daddy." Arkane sighed.  
"And you three are all confined to your quarters!" Queen Nodokavere cried.  
The three young women stomped off.  
Sounthur looked at the young stranger. He was brawny, dressed in strange garments and had no weapon. He had with him a strange black and white wolf. "Who art thou?"  
"Come again?"  
"Ah! Young master Come Again. It is a pleasure."  
"You are mistaken my lord, his name is Saotome. Mr. Saotome." Genmalot interrupted.  
"What? Why did you lie to me?" Sounthur demanded.  
"I didn't! My name is Ryoga! I'm not Mr. Saotome, and I'm not Come Again."  
"Who are you then?"  
"I'm Ryoga! Don't you recognize me?"  
"Hmm . . . you do resemble . . . no. No I have never seen you before in my life . . . and yet . . . no . . . no I don't recognize you." Sounthur struggled with that simple question.  
"What business have ye in our fine kingdom?" Nodokavere asked.  
"I was trying to go home, but then a tornado blew me away, so now I'm trying to find the Tendo Training Hall so I can challenge Ranma Saotome to a duel, a fight to the death as I do just about every week." Ryoga said.  
"Y-you have faced Ranma and lived to tell about it?" Soun cried.  
"Uh . . . yeah." Ryoga frowned.  
"You face Ranma once a week no less?" Nodokavere demanded.  
"Well no, I challenge him once a week. For reasons beyond my control I don't actually show up at each one and I'm often weeks late. But once a month at least, I have fought him once a month for a while now." Ryoga said.  
Sounthur squealed. "Wonderful! You will be our savior! Our champion! You will fight Ranma and save our kingdom!"  
"Wait . . . you want me to fight Ranma to save your kingdom? Are we talking about the same Ranma here? The Ranma I know doesn't have anything to do with your kingdom."  
"Nonsense!" Sounthur cried. "Ranma was once a brave young prince engaged to my daughter Arkane, but then some evil magic turned him into a giant evil dragon, he's been terrorizing my kingdom! Digging up lawns, chasing cats and knocking over trash cans with a single swish of his tail!"  
"Are you sure you're not thinking of a dog?" Ryoga asked.  
"Of course, those haven't been invented yet." Sounthur said.  
Ryoga looked at him and blinked. "So I have to destroy Ranma the dragon? Not Ranma Saotome the human? What do I get out of this? Are you going to take me home if I do it? Offer me lordship? Give me a sword or something?" Ryoga demanded.   
"I do love it when they expect simple payment! I can grant you a night and a day in the bed of my wife like I gave that last guy to save my kingdom!"  
Ryoga looked at Nodokavere and shook his head. "I think I'll pass." He said.  
"Then take one of my fine young daughters, the kingdom's virgin princesses! Er . . . incidentally only two of them really *are* virgins! I'm not sure which two, so you might end up with the non-virgin . . . whatever those are called."  
"Huh? What?"  
"WWWEEEE! I have my knight! Daughters! Daughters come!"  
"Yes father?" Kasumian said.  
"Ready to sign the kingdom over to me and die?" Nabiatrix asked.  
"Can I be fitted for chainmail?" Arkane asked.  
"Behold our savior! The valiant Knight Sir Ryoga!"  
"Sir Ryoga of what?" Nabiatrix scowled. "Don't tell me he's so poor he cant afford a tittle. Bah, I'll be saved by no poor knights."  
"Er . . ." Sounthur inspected the young man. "Er . . ." he looked at the wolf. "Fang! Sir Ryoga of Wolf Fang."  
"What a lame title." Nabiatrix scowled. "Now sign the papers old man!"  
"Nonsense! Girls this is our savior, he has fought Ranma and lived to tell of it, what more he eagerly plans to do so again. So I will give him one of you as a wife, so that he can know how grateful the kingdom is for his bravery."  
"Right! What?" Ryoga frowned.  
"Well . . . hmm . . . is he rich?" Nabiatrix asked.  
"If he can afford to dress so badly, he must be." Kasumian noted.  
"Hey!" Ryoga protested.  
"But he'll probably die if he fights Ranma again!" Arkane cried. "I don't want to be a widow twice!"  
"Twice?" Ryoga seemed confused.  
"Hey yeah! He probably *will* die!" Nabiatrix said with excitement. "Leaving his fortune to his darling wife!"  
"WAK!" Ryoga was running around in circles now. Sounthur wasn't exactly sure why . . .  
"I'll marry him!" Kasumian proclaimed.  
"Hey! I was gonna-" Nabiatrix protested.  
"Shouldn't he choose?" Arkane asked.  
"Indeed! Young man choose your wife." Sounthur said.  
"Er . . . hmm . . . you all look exactly like people from my own town . . . and your names resemble theirs . . . so I'm going to guess that your personalities are the same . . . to test this out I shall ask each one a question."  
"Go ahead." Sounthur nodded.  
"Kasumi-look-alike, if you had the choice would you rather cook or sleep?"  
"Cook!"  
"Nabiki-look-alike, if you had the choice between marrying a very handsome man with no money and a hideous man with a lot of money who would you-"  
"I'd marry the hideous man, murder him then take the handsome one as my man-slave-thing!" Nabiatrix scowled.  
"So shockingly and disturbingly similar . . ." Ryoga frowned. "Akane resembling one! If you had the choice between fighting for honor or having children and being a contented house wife which would you choose?"  
"So women cant be fighters and wives as well! You sexist monster!" Arkane cried.  
"Eh . . . right. Okay, they are *just* like the ones I know. I want to marry Arkane." Ryoga nodded.  
"Oh . . . I'm afraid I cant allow that, she's in mourning for Ranma." Sounthur said.  
"Eh? Curse you Ranma! Fine then, Kasumi, she can cook."  
"Kasumian? Congratu-no . . . no she's engaged to the Chiropractor."  
"Darn it!" Ryoga sighed. "Fine then, Nabiki."  
"Who?"   
"The middle one with the nice rack." Ryoga clarified.  
"Oh! Oh Nabiatrix! Nice choice, I'm sixty percent sure she's the virgin."  
"Hey!" Nabiatrix yelped.  
"Oh . . . sorry, eighty percent."  
"Bah! As if some one as pretty as me would be a virgin!" Nabiatrix said with a sarcastic tone Sounthur just didn't catch.  
"GAH!" Sounthur's jaw dropped. "What? What!"   
"Wait, isn't she engaged to Principal Regent Kunobir's son?" Genmalot scratched his head.  
"Oh right!" Sounthur yelped. "Sorry, she's not available either." He looked at Nabiatrix. "How could you forget you were engaged?"  
"I didn't. I was hoping you had." Nabiatrix shrugged. "I don't like him very much." She grumbled. "Always spouting poetry and playing with that stupid wooden sword of his!"  
"My daughters are all engaged, you'll have to choose something else." Sounthur apologized.  
"Right . . . so . . . eh . . . can my reward be going home then?" Ryoga asked.  
"OH! Of course! Why didn't you ask for that in the first place? Honestly, demanding one of my daughters, you brute!" Sounthur cried.  
"What? I didn't demand-curse you Mr. Tendo-like person! Just point me towards the dragon! Oh . . . and maybe give me a guide . . ."  
"We'll give you a detailed map." Sounthur said.  
"No, I think I'm going to need a guide." Ryoga said. "You see . . . I can't really eh . . . never mind just give me a bleeding guide!"  
"Right. Guide!" Sounthur cried. The guide from the ground of accursed springs showed up. "You are to guide Ryoga of Fang to the lair of Ranma and then come back with news of his victory, or his charred lifeless body, whichever." Sounthur said.  
"Yes my king!"  
"Oh, and one other thing. He wanted a bloody guide, so . . . Genmalot, if you could do the honors."  
"Right my liege." Genmalot chased after the frantic guide with his axe.  
"Eh-no! No I didn't mean bloody, I mean healthy, completely healthy with all his limbs!" Ryoga cried.  
"Oh . . . eh . . . right." Sounthur said as Genmalot chased the guide out of the chamber. "I wonder if Sir Genmalot heard that . . . oh well. We shall give you a new guide. Who volunteers?" Sounthur demanded of his knights.  
No one moved.  
"I'll take him." Arkane and Nabiatrix said together.  
"Right fine, you can both go."  
"Eh . . . husband, you really think it wise to send your two youngest daughters to their doom like that?"  
"Eh? Oh nonsense, Ryoga will guard them." Sounthur glared at Ryoga. "You darn well better lad!"  
"EEP!" Ryoga jumped.  
  
"Well . .. we've got a big day ahead of us Checkers . . . escorting two princesses while they escort us to the fiery keep of the Dragon called Ranma . . . it's sickening how much this place resembles Nerima . . . maybe we're in some alternate universe." Ryoga muttered.  
"Egads you stupid fool! You went back in time!" Happosai said.  
"Eh . . . did you have to call me stupid *and* a fool?" Ryoga frowned.  
"Silence! I am Happerlin! Mystical wizard of this palace!" Happosai scowled. "And I was the one who created the Dragon called Ranma, and it was I who transported you back here to defeat him."  
"Say what now?"  
"It is a complicated story."  
"Then don't tell it." Ryoga said.  
"But I must. Anyway a few months ago prince Ranmorgan of the kingdom Dirt was engaged to princess Arkane of Rubadub, and I didn't want them to wed, for you see I greatly desire princess Arkane to be my own wife."  
"Right. I'm going to sleep now." Ryoga said.  
"Silence! If they wed the two kingdoms would become one, they would become the kingdom of Clean!"  
"Huh?"  
"If you scrub dirt it becomes clean." Happosai-er Happerlin said.  
"Oh . . . right."  
"Anyway I turned Ranmorgan into a vicious two headed dragon and now I can no longer control him. Now I need you to defeat him. Do it, and I will make it so you can marry princess Arkane."  
"That doesn't interest me as much as going home." Ryoga noted.  
"Then I'll fix it so you can go home. And I will cure you of your magical curse."  
"Deal!" Ryoga cried.  
"Good!" Happerlin said with a wicked sneer.  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
"Nabiatrix," Arkane said, "why do you want to go with Sir Ryoga? Do you still want to marry him?"  
"Of course not! But I got to thinking . . . Prince Ranmorgan has been turned into a dragon, yes?"  
"Indeed." Arkane nodded.  
"And dragons have hordes of gold, yes?" Nabiatrix grinned.  
"Yes, but they are jealously guarded, you'd have to kill the dragon to get even a coin!"  
"That's what Sir Ryoga is for. Even if he doesn't kill the dragon, his noble sacrifice will distract your ex-fiancée long enough for me to make off with some of the gold. And if Sir Ryoga pulls through and becomes a hero he wont have any need for *all* the gold anyway. Indeed, I doubt he even knows about it, so no matter what happens I stand to make some money."  
"Or die trying." Arkane noted.  
"Don't worry, I'll have you to shield me from the fire as I run for my life."  
"Right . . . hey!"  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
I wrote this a while ago but didn't put it up because of the character names. I'm still not 100% comfortable with them, but I couldn't just call them all by their real names now could I? Anyway I also no longer care if you don't find the names funny, 'cause neither do I. Remember to review you silly earth monkeys! 


	2. The Desert of LIFE or DEATH

Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
A/N: I don't *think* I've used anything from Monty Python *yet*  
  
Chapter 2  
The Deserts of LIFE . . . or DEATH!  
  
It'd been just two days and already Ryoga was having an adventure. First day he'd woken up to find bandits had kidnaped both princesses, then he'd gone and saved them (after spending the entire day looking for them) the second day he found Nabiatrix had sold him into slavery. Incidentally his new owners had been the same bandits. For some reason-possibly because Checkers was trying to bite her-Nabiatrix had a change of heart and the four companions ran for dear life from some very angry bandits who wanted their money back.  
And in their overzealous attempts at escape, the group ended up in the desert dying of thirst. Of course they'd only been lost for a few moments before the princesses started complaining. Arkane notably less than Nabiatrix but still enough to make Ryoga want to leave them both behind.  
"My feet hurt! Carry me!" Arkane grumbled.  
"I'm not carrying you anywhere, you're the tomboy, you carry me!" Nabiatrix whined.  
"I'm not carrying either one of you so don't ask." Ryoga noted.  
"I wouldn't let you touch me!" Nabiatrix cried.  
"I don't know where your hands have been!" Arkane added.  
"Then we're cool." Ryoga nodded.  
"Give me some water!" One of them whined, he didn't know or care which one it was.  
"I cant! We don't have any provisions." Ryoga grumbled.  
"Well who's idea was it to leave without provisions? Baka!" That could only be Arkane.  
"Do you know what that word means?" Ryoga asked.  
"No, but since my childhood I've had a strange urge to say it." Arkane said. "I finally felt now was the right time-STUPID!"  
"Touche . . ." Ryoga sighed.  
"Y'know she's right, what sort of fool leads two beautiful princesses into the desert without food or water?"  
"We had food, and water, and a carriage with horses, but *you* my dear princess Nabiatrix, decided to sell me into slavery, and for some reason you decided to throw in our food and water to sweeten the deal."  
"Oh . . . I forgot about that . . ." Nabiatrix mumbled. "Still I blame Arkane."  
"Hey!"  
Suddenly Checkers ran forward. Ryoga considered chasing the dog, or staying with the princesses and decided he'd rather get lost with Checkers than be left alone with the two who were so much like and yet so different from Akane and Nabiki.  
But the girls proved faster than him and soon Arkane came back whining.  
"I'm keeping your wolf." Nabiatrix informed Ryoga. "He's a good treasure hunter."  
"Checkers is a *she*, and what good is treasure out here?" Ryoga grumbled.  
"A female? All the more reason I should keep her." Nabiatrix reflected. She held up a small dusty clay pot with a cork in it. "Isn't it beautiful?" She asked.  
"Looks worthless to me." Ryoga muttered.  
"To your untrained eye maybe it is. My to my highly trained super eyes it hath potential."  
"Excuse me, did you just say 'hath'?"  
"Yes of course." Nabiatrix blinked. "*Hath* ye not heard that word before? What sort of sheltered life *hath* ye lived?"  
"Okay okay! Just stop talking to me." Ryoga grumbled.  
Nabiatrix began brushing sand off the lamp, Checkers marched along with Ryoga, wagging her tail waiting for her master to praise her for the find . . . normally Ryoga wouldn't hesitate to lavish unnecessary affection on his dog-which he so rarely saw and more or less owed-but all she'd done was give Nabiatrix something more annoying to talk about than just imminent death and thirst.  
There was a popping sound, Ryoga turned around and saw the pot on the ground and Nabiatrix looking at it in surprise. "It popped its cork." She said.  
Green mist emerged from the hole and took solid form. It bore a strange resemblance to the little ninja servant Kuno had. Sasuke? Sosuko? Whatever. "I am the mystical genie of the lamp. Who hath woke me from my slumber?"  
"Again with the *hath*!" Ryoga cried.  
"Why does it bother you so, Sir Ryoga?" Arkane asked.  
"It just does!" He cried. "I don't know why!"  
"I can tell you why. I am the genie of knowledge, ask me any question and I will answer it truthfully."  
"Great!" Nabiatrix chuckled. "Since I found you, I get to ask the question."  
"I answer three questions, you may each ask one."  
"But I freed you, so why don't I get to ask all three?" Nabiatrix pouted.  
"Is that your question?" The genie grinned. Nabiatrix scowled.  
"You're good." She grumbled.  
"Years of practice. Now ASK your question oh MORTALS!"  
"Okay, I'll go first since I'm youngest!" Arkane said.  
"I could be younger than you." Ryoga noted.  
"Oh? How old art thou Sir Ryoga?" Arkane asked.  
"Technically I haven't been born yet." Ryoga said, considering the implications. "Hey . . . I wonder if I can meet my great, great, great, great grand father."  
"Is that your question?" The genie asked.  
"No! Lay off! I have to ask something good!" Ryoga cried.  
"I've got a question for you!" Arkane said. "Will we ever get out of this desert?"  
"Yes."  
"That's it?"  
"Only one question." The genie said.  
"What a waste!" Arkane cried.  
"Okay Sir Ryoga, you go ahead and ask a question." Nabiatrix said.  
"No, you first." Ryoga said, still trying to think of the right question.  
"Very well. Genie. Tell me, what is the meaning of life?"  
"42."  
"It makes perfect sense . . ." Nabiki mused.  
"Well scrawny human, what is your question?" The genie asked.  
"Hmm . . ."Ryoga thought. 'Do I ask if I'll ever get home?' He wondered. 'No, I know I will if I defeat the dragon . . . should I ask if I'll ever defeat Saotome? No! I know in my heart the answer is yes . . . so what can I ask? Should I ask . . . if Akane will ever love me? Yes! No! I might not like the answer, I know how she feels about Ranma!" He thought frantically.  
Nabiatrix slapped him. "Ask!" She cried.  
'Maybe I should ask what the ultimate form of martial arts is . . . no . . . it might be different in a thousand years . . . so maybe I should ask if there is a cure for my wandering . . . no . . . no, that's no good . . .'  
"Ask!" Arkane cried, smacking Ryoga on the back of the head. This didn't even interrupt his chain of thought.  
'I know! I'll ask how to defeat the dragon! That's good, I need to know, his scales will probably be to hard for my martial arts, he must have a weakness and I can ask what it is.' Ryoga thought. 'Or maybe I should ask how to get out of the desert! Gah! Decisions, decisions!'  
"ARF! ARF! ARF!" Checkers barked.  
"Yes. Yes he will." The Genie said. "And now I have answered all three questions and I will go back to my slumber. Never again can I be awoken by this particular group of mortals."  
"NNNOOOOOO!" Ryoga cried.  
"It's okay, he gave stupid answers anyway." Nabiatrix scowled.  
"What did the dog say?" Arkane wondered.  
"Good question . . . I DO NOT CARE!" Nabiatrix yelled. "We're going to die in the desert!"   
"No the genie said we'd get out." Arkane said.  
"Oh yeah . . . right. Well let's make camp." Nabiatrix said.  
"Make camp? Where? With what?" Ryoga demanded. She slapped him.  
"Look in your magical pack you stupid boy!"  
"It's not magical!" Ryoga yelped.  
"It must be!" Nabiatrix cried. "Why else would you-a knight with a title and fortune-bother to carry it around? Furthermore how could you be a knight without armor or sword unless your pack is in fact magical?"  
"Eh . . . you've found me out. So lets see what's in the pack-my bet is that it wont have any armor, or swords, or tents, or anything like that."  
"What will you bet?" Nabiatrix asked.  
"Name it."  
"If you've got a tent and all that in there you set it up and we get to sleep in it while you sleep out here alone. If you don't we'll both have hot wild sex with you."  
"How do you say loser in 'ye olde English'?" Ryoga wondered.  
"Why?" Nabiatrix asked.  
"Because I want to shout it in your face and laugh. My pack hasn't got anything magical inside it . . . holy mother of Rob!" Ryoga cried, opening his pack to find a suit of armor, a sword, a tent set, and a note that said "Compliments of Happerlin"  
"Curse you old man! Curse you!" Ryoga cried out.  
"Aww . . . looks like I was right . . . and to answer your question-Looser!"  
"You knew that stuff was in there, didn't you?"  
"Of course." Arkane shrugged. "We raided your pack for snacks last night after you fell asleep."  
"Curse you snacks! Curse you!" Ryoga cried out again.  
  
That night the three companions slept, the two girls and Checkers the super-intelligent dog. Ryoga slept outside the tent alone without anything resembling bedding or blanket, whilst the girls pulled all sorts of things out of his magical pack. He was curled up in a ball, basically hating life when suddenly he saw it, a bright beautiful light on the horizon! A bright beautiful light that said: Motel!  
He ran into the tent and heard ear shattering screams, then he was being beaten to death by two very beautiful princesses in their nightgowns.  
"How dare you try to see us naked!" Arkane cried.  
"Naked? You're dressed!"  
"Just barely, we might as well be wearing nothing!" Nabiatrix cried.  
"Are you joking? You must be joking! You two are wearing more as you go to sleep now than I wear normally!"  
"Forgive us for not being exhibitionists like you, Sir Ryoga!" Arkane cried, violently assaulting him with a pillow, probably from his magic bag.  
"Alright fine! Listen you two insane crazy women, I've seen the light and I know we can escape the desert if we follow it so I'm going and if you're not "dressed" by the time I leave then you can just stay here!"  
"Light?" Arkane asked.  
"Yes, a light on the horizon, a light that says "motel!"  
"Did it say 'vacancies' you fool?" Nabiatrix asked.  
"Who cares? We only need to ask directions!" Ryoga cried.  
"Are you kidding?" Nabiatrix held one hand up, and said "Tent in the desert . . ." she held up the other "Motel with nice warm beds . . . desert . . . beds . . ." she moved her hands up and down like a scale, then slapped him with both. "Take us to the motel you silly knight!"  
"Right . . . er . . . okay I guess . . . you know what motels are used for where I come from?"  
"No, do tell." Arkane said. "I love to learn about new places!"  
He told them . . .  
"You cad!" Nabiatrix yelped. "So that's what you have in mind!"  
"What? No! I told you I just want to go there to ask directions!"  
"Fine . . . but if you so much as look at me funny I'll have you tarred and feathered!" Nabiatrix scowled.  
  
So yeah . . . eventually they came to a large-simply enormous castle, with a big neon sign that actually said Letom.  
"Maybe I'm dyslexic . . ." Ryoga shrugged. The girls took turns slapping him. "Why do you keep doing that?"  
"Because you never fight back." Arkane said.  
"Well . . . let's get this over with." Ryoga said.  
"Most men have problems asking for directions." Nabiatrix noted. "Shall I ask for you?"  
"Are you kidding? My life practically revolves around asking for directions, I can handle it." Ryoga said.  
"Well okay . . ." Nabiatix said. "Wait, Castle Letom, where have I heard that name befo-OH NO! This is the giant castle of beautiful women!" Nabiatrix cried.  
"Why should that matter?" Ryoga asked.  
"When they see beautiful me they'll try to make me join their cult!" Nabiatrix whimpered, hiding behind Ryoga.  
"Oh-ho . . . right."  
"Wait! Letom isn't the castle of beautiful women, that's the Castle Anthrax!"  
"Oh?" Nabiatrix looked confused, it was a first. Ryoga knocked on the door. "Wait, then what's Letom the castle of?"  
The door opened and before them stood a tall, handsome man wearing a white toga and nothing else. He blinked at them, inspected them for a moment and the girls did the same to him.  
"Uh, excuse me, I'm Ryoga and I . . . hello? Hey, My name is Ryoga Hibiki and I've come from the castle in Bubblybub on a quest to find the Dragon Ranma, and if you could point-" He was cut off when the large man threw his arms around him.  
"Brother!" He cried. "Welcome! Welcome to the castle Letom! I can tell you're going to fit right in!"  
"EEP!" Ryoga yelped.  
"Oh boy! Is this whole castle filled with men like you?" Nabiatrix asked.  
"Indeed." The man nodded. "My name is-"  
"We don't care! Sexual bliss here I come!" Arkane cried, Nabiatrix grabbed her by the shoulder and held her back. "HEY!" Arkane cried.  
"Remember, you're in mourning." Nabiatrix smiled.  
"Aww crap monkeys!" Arkane whined. "Well you're going to get married!"  
"Too true, too true . . . but . . . I am not married yet . . . see ya loser!" Nabiatrix and Arkane struggled to get through the door. Ryoga shook his head.  
"Can you put me down now?" He asked.  
"Of course." The handsome man nodded and led them into the castle. Immediately they were greeted by a dozen very handsome men. The girls looked like they might die of happiness, Ryoga felt strangely uncomfortable, as if all the eyes were on him . . . he didn't like it at all.  
Then he noticed another familiar face, but it was too soon lost in the crowd. Ryoga looked around frantically then gave up. "So," he tried. "How do I get to the dragon's keep?"  
"Forget about the dragon's keep." The man who'd greeted them said. "Now that you are here you can stay with us forever, as the newest brother of the Letom Castle Brotherhood."  
"Oh-ho . . ." Ryoga frowned, someone pinched his butt and suddenly everything made sense. "How 'bout NO you crazy sons of-"  
"Sir Ryoga, that is no way to speak to our hosts!" Arkane scolded him.  
"Some one just pinched my butt!" Ryoga protested.  
"Brother Tsubassacles, do not do such cruel things, you know better, behave yourself!"  
A man disguised as a wall tromped off in disappointment. Ryoga wanted to leave.  
But all he did was blink and suddenly the girls were being carried off-putting up no sort of fight-by very large men fretting about their hair and clothing and how they could surely use a make over.  
Ryoga was left alone with one other guy. "Let me show you to your room." The man said.  
"Eh . . . I think I can find it on my own-MY ROOM? I don't want a room! I want to leave!"  
"Nonsense, at least stay the night." The man said, he patted Ryoga's shoulder . . . then massaged it . . . then-  
"Don't touch me!" Ryoga cried, he ran off and found three doors. Door number one, he opened it and found the most disturbing sight of his life, a whole bunch of large, men bathing together.   
He slammed it shut and went on to the next door. He opened it and it and was pulled in by very strong arms and a masculine voice said "Why Red, I've been waiting for you to come back!"  
"I'm not Red!" Ryoga yelped.  
"Same difference." The man shrugged.  
Ryoga squirmed away and then escaped the room, slammed the door shut and stood against it. "I hate this place! I hate this place!" Then suddenly the third door opened and another man came out-this one was definitely familiar, he grabbed Ryoga and dragged him into the room.  
"Let me go!"  
"Shut up your moron!" The man scowled. Ryoga frowned. This guy had such a familiar voice . . .  
"Ukyo!"  
"I said shut up, sugar! Now listen to me, and listen carefully if you ever want to get out of this castle a straight man!"  
"What about the princesses?"  
"They'll be fine, they don't have a snowball's chance in the dragon's keep of getting laid in this place."  
"That's not what I mean, your friends wont hurt them will they?" Ryoga demanded.  
"What does it matter if they do? Now listen up, I heard what you said about the dragon, why do you want to find the dragon's keep?"  
"So I can fight him. I've been charged by the king to slay the dragon Ranma." Ryoga shrugged.  
"Alright . . . then I will go with you." Ukyo said. "I hate that dragon, he has to pay for what he did to me!"  
"What did he do? Oh wait, let me guess, chose a tripe cart over marrying you and ran off and out of your life only to return later and you discover he doesn't even know you're a woman."  
"What? What the heck are you talking about? That SOB knocked over my trash can!"  
"Oh . . . yeah that works too I guess." Ryoga shrugged.  
"Alright then, let's go!" Ukyo said.  
"Right . . . can I get my princesses first?"  
"If you must." She sighed. "By the way, my name is Ukygowain, but people call my Ukygo."  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Ryoga shrugged. "Let's go!"  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
NEXT TIME Ukygo and Ryoga escape the castle with a very reluctant Arkane and Nabiatrix, and find themselves in the land of the Amazons! But what's this? A Giant is standing in their way and he doesn't like squishy things . . . and Ryoga suddenly realizes he left Checkers at Letom!  
Only about 30% of all that I've said just now will actually be in chapter 3 though, g'night everyone! 


	3. Almost There

Disclaimer: I don't own Army of Darkness or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  
  
A Dragon Called Ranma  
Chapter 3  
Almost There!  
  
Ukygo lead Ryoga to a large dark room. She stopped at a large golden door. "Beyond this door, no woman can enter." She said.  
"Then why are we here?" Ryoga asked. "I'm looking for two princesses, if no woman can enter, then odds are they wont be in there!"  
"Right, but before we get them, know that you won't be able to stop the dragon without the magical spell book that lies beyond these doors."  
"Oh . . . okay."  
"Now before you take the book you must recite these magic words, and they must be exact-"  
"No! No I've seen that movie!" Ryoga protested.  
"What? What is this . . . movie you speak of?"  
"Never mind." Ryoga sighed. "So let me guess, there are three books and I have to pick the right one or an army of the undead will rise up to destroy everything right?"  
"Something like that. Actually that's what happens if you choose the third book. If you choose the second book the woman of your dreams will fall in love with you and you will live happily together and have many children."  
"I like that." Ryoga noted.  
"But the world will be destroyed by an army of undead hedgehogs." Ukygo added.  
"That sucks."  
"Now if you choose the first book it will tell you exactly what you need to know, but not want you want to know." Ukyo said.  
"And let me guess, the world will be destroyed by mutant moles?"  
"Mutant moles? By the troll's beard, don't speak of such imaginary creatures!" Ukygo scowled.  
Ryoga blinked. "If you could hear yourself-"  
"Go!" Ukygo cried. "Find the first book, recite the magic words perfectly and we'll be on our way!"  
"I'd like to but-"  
"But what?" Ukygo demanded.  
"I er . . . you didn't tell me the magic words."  
"Oh right. Well here they are, write them down if you need too."  
"Aha! See they didn't let him do that in the movie." Ryoga noted.  
"Stop talking about this imaginary stuff, and pay attention elf licker!"  
"Elf licker?" Ryoga frowned. "Is 'licker' even a word?"  
"It is in ye dictionary of ye bad olde English! Now, the magic words are: Hullabaloo and howdy do, rusty tongs and steak knives too . . ."  
"Hullabaloo and howdy do, musty prawns and Timbuktu . . ." Ryoga copied.  
"No! No you fool!"  
"No! No you tool!"  
"Stop! Stop writing this! You idiot! That's it, here, I'll write it for you." Ukygo said. She wrote it down on a piece of paper and handed it to Ryoga. "Alright, here you go. When you're finished, just stay here and I'll come back for you with the princesses." Ukygo said.  
"That wont be a problem. Alright, I'm off." Ryoga said. He walked out the door, it was funny this magical chamber looked just like-  
"That's the hallway!" Ukygo cried, dragging him back in and throwing him through the golden doors. "And don't come back without the book!" She sent him off.  
  
As soon as Ryoga was through the door Ukygo groaned. "I forgot to tell him about the fourth book, which does everything the first book does, but comes with the bonus of the world being destroyed by little green dwarves who shout "Rally Ho!" (Yes, yes I *would* bring them into this story too.)  
  
Ryoga's trek to the book was long and difficult. It was a straight path to walk, a narrow corridor but somehow he kept getting lost, he'd passed by the same guardian Minotaur three times, had to fight the same iron golem twice and then he'd had to deal with this strange little robot with green eyes who kept singing some sort of song of doom.  
The latter had been the most challenging, and he wished he had Checkers with him . . . where was Checkers?  
He had no time to think of that now, he fought his way to a large altar of stone, on it were four books. They were all blue, one had a picture of a sword on it and another had a picture of a bow and arrow ready to fire. Another had a picture of a shield with two swords crossed over it, the final book had a picture of a knight on a horse holding his spear up to slay a dragon.  
He thought for a moment, then decided that the symbols on the books were obviously telling what number they were. One sword, book one. A bow and arrow book two. A shield and two swords, book three. A knight, his horse, the dragon and his spear, book four.  
The dragon book seemed to compel him, seemed to draw him in, but he knew that it was the first book he needed. So he read Ukygo's magic words . . . except they were in ye olde English script so he had to just sort of guess. Luckily he remembered the first part. "Hullabaloo and Rowdy Lou, musty frogs and sun chips too," strange demonic shadows started to rise, there was a ghostly moan and shrieks of agony. Ryoga began to read "Spanish production, question mark, alternative life styles for men and women, Road Runners stuck in Coyote's glue!" The books shone with magical light, the walls began to shake and he grabbed the first one and ran.  
  
The walls began to shake, Nabiatrix scowled. "Sounds like Sir Ryoga screwed up." She said.  
"It doesn't surprise me, he doesn't even look like a knight." Ukygo said. "Not really. He doesn't even have any armor."  
"Oh it's all in his bag, I don't know why he doesn't wear it. He doesn't have a sword though, poor dumb guy." Arkane sighed.  
"How long ago did you send him in there for the book?"  
"Yesterday." Ukygo's scowl was almost as pure as Nabiatrix'.  
Finally the door opened and Ryoga emerged, Nabiatrix was relieved when she saw he at least had the stupid book.  
Ukygo inspected it then scowled. "This is the wrong one!" She cried.  
"What? But it's the first book!" Ryoga protested.  
Ukyo opened the cover. "Book of Magic, Fourth Edition." She shook her head. "Never mind, let's go, we have to get out of here!"  
"Wait, there's something I'm forgetting!"  
"Whatever it is it must not be important!" Ukygo cried, they left the castle, Ryoga still scratching his head over what he'd forgotten.  
  
Of course the princesses had to say goodbye to everyone. But eventually they were away. They tromped through a dark, dreary forest and Ryoga had a strange feeling they were being watched. Sure enough their way was soon blocked by two familiar faces.  
"Mousse! Shampoo!" Ryoga yelped.  
"I am not Shampoo!" Mousse cried.  
"I not Mousse!" Shampoo cried.  
"Who art thou?" Nabiatrix demanded.  
"I am Moudred, the amazon king!" Mousse cried.  
"And I Shamputer, beautiful Amazon queen." Shampoo cried.  
Ryoga blinked. "Moudrid? And . . . Shamputer?"  
"Shamputer's parents scientists." Shamputer shrugged.  
"You've got to be kidding!"  
"Shamputer also go by more normal name Shampudeloc."  
"Shampudeloc?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.  
"Is not uncommon name!" Shamputer cried! "Just call Shamputer!"  
"Shamputer *is* better." Ryoga agreed.  
"Well I am Princess Arkane of Rubadub engaged to Prince Ranmorgan Le Fay."  
"Wait a minute! Morgan Le Fay? Why does that name sound so familiar?" Ryoga frowned.  
"He's very famous." Arkane scowled. "Do not interrupt. This is my sister the money-obsessed psycho princess Nabiatrix-"  
"What did you call me?" Nabiatrix was suddenly glaring at her sister.  
"Our new friend Sir-eh Madame Ukygowain,"  
"What did you call me!" Ukygo demanded. "I'm a woman and you should know since you tried to sleep with me you-"  
"And of course our rude defender, Sir Ryoga of the Wolf Fang."  
"Shamputer hear tell of a Ryokay, wandering trying to find cure for curse."  
"Curse?" Ryoga asked.  
"Yes, apparently there is wandering man Ryokay, apparently cursed with world's best sense of direction seeks to lose forever his perfect sense of direction and be normal, but something wrong happens and now he and all descendants stupid cannot find way." Shamputer said.  
"Must be a relative of yours Sir Ryoga." Arkane said.  
"If I were a woman I'd cry." Ryoga sighed.  
"What's that supposed to mean!?" Ukygo cried. "That women are soft and we cry a lot?"  
"Yes."  
"DIE!" All three cried together. They chased after him and ran deep into the forest.  
Shamputer frowned. "We tell them about giant yes?"  
"No my dear I don't think we did." Moudred sighed.  
Not so long after the four left a dog came by. It was black and white, it barked at Shamputer and the two held a conversation for a moment.  
"ARF!" 'Which way did they go?'  
"That way." Shamputer pointed. "Be careful of Giant Great Grand Monster."  
"Halt!" Cried the large yet strangely small giant. "I am the giant of the bridge and none shall pass least ye answer my three questions!"  
"Oh! I know this one!" Ryoga said. "Let me do it!"  
"Go ahead." Nabiatrix said, pushing him forward.  
"Ask me the questions bridge keeper, I'm not afraid!" Ryoga shouted.  
"What, is your name?" The giant, who resembled Cologne, asked.  
"Ryoga!"  
"What is your quest?"  
"I want to destroy Ranmorgan the dragon!"  
"What . . . is *her* favorite color?" The giant pointed at Arkane.  
Ryoga gulped. "Hey! You did it wrong! You're supposed to ask me what *my* favorite color is!"  
"Answer the question or be thrown off the bridge into the shallow stream!"  
"Okay, okay, I don't want that . . ." Ryoga said . . . the girls suddenly realized the stream was in fact quite shallow and they just jumped across and waved for him to follow.  
"Er . . . Arkane's favorite color is . . . eh . . . BLUE!"  
"Wrong!" Cologne laughed, Ryoga was thrown into the air, but he ended up landing on the other side.  
"That wasn't so bad!" Ryoga cried.  
The giant groaned. "I don't like squishes who sneak over my bridge! Now ye shall all die!"  
"Run!" Arkane cried.  
"Run!" Ukygo agreed.  
"Run *away*!" Nabiatrix clarified for Ryoga who was running towards the monster.  
The four companions ran but down came the staff and the Cologne giant squashed them all.  
Then Checkers showed up.  
"I knew I was forgetting something!" Ryoga cried.  
"My spleen!" Nabiatrix groaned.  
"My beautiful braiiiinnnnnssssssss!" Arkane cried out. "I can see them!" She said normally. Ukygo smacked her and her eyes rolled back to normal. "Hey! I can see again!"  
Checkers barked a bit and finally Cologne nodded. "Very well, I will release them!" She lifted the stick and Ryoga and the others were free . . . but still smashed to pancakes.  
"That dog is more of a hero than you." Nabiatrix scowled.  
"Hey! Just one time!" Ryoga cried.  
"Arf!" Checkers barked.  
"Oh alright!" Cologne pouted and threw some powder on the four pancakes-er adventurers and turned them back to normal.  
"Okay fine, so maybe my dog is a better hero than I am . . . at least I . . . uh . . ." Ryoga paused for a long time.  
"At least you what?" Nabiatrix scowled.  
"At least you bravely tried to answer the bridge questions and failed?" Ukygo offered.   
"At least you took us to the castle of big gay men and then brought us the wrong magic book?" Nabiatrix offered.  
"At least you're cute!" Arkane cried.  
"You think I'm cute?" Ryoga raised a hopeful eyebrow. The girls walked on without him. They didn't notice the army of little green dwarves that slowly descended on the world screaming "Rally Ho!" from behind them, falling over the castle of Letom and ripping everything to shreds as the beautiful men tried desperately to massage them into submission.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Time . . .  
Ryoga and the girls are at the head of the fiery keep of the dragon, but to enter they must first deal with the red knight . . . then the blue knight . . . then the green knight . . . and finally the black knight . . . but not before the purple knight. Nabiatrix refuses to be seen with an unarmored knight so the girls force Ryoga to wear the armor which proves to be quite itchy, and Ryoga and Ranmorgan the dragon fight a dangerous battle, will Ukygo's spell book come in handy? Will any of this actually happen? Will the next chapter be as BAD as this one was? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, in Chapter 4 of A Dragon Called Ranmaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! 


	4. The Fiery Keep of Ranma!

A Dragon Called Ranma  
Part 4  
The Fiery Keep of Ranma!  
  
A/N: Let's make THIS chapter a good one! ^_^  
  
Ryoga! Sir Ryoga! Ryoga of the Wolf Fang! He wasn't even sure what to call himself. He was protector of this land now, be it by luck or misfortune, for better or for worse he'd promised to destroy Ranma. Of course at the time he'd thought Ranma was his rival, Ranma Saotome, not Prince Ranmorgan Le Fay of the kingdom Dirt.  
'I can do this.' He thought, as he neared the Dragon's keep. It wasn't a keep so much as a broken down fort in front of a large hole in a mountain, which could only be a cave. 'This will work.' He told himself. 'I can defeat this dragon, and I will be cured of my magical curse, I'll be able to go home . . . well, that is back to my own time . . . or dimension.' Ryoga thought as he marched along. His pack was unusually heavy, partially because the wizard Happerlin had gifted him a full suit of armor, partially because the beautiful princess Arkane was sitting on it.  
"My feet are tired, let me sit on the pack now!" Nabiatrix whined.  
"Not yet!" Arkane whined back. Ryoga scowled, he couldn't take all this whining! Princesses or not they were getting on his nerves.  
And then there was Ukygo. He wasn't quite sure what to make of him-er her. She was identical to his own Ukyo, just like Arkane and Nabiatrix were identical to Akane and Nabiki. Ukygo was some sort of monk or something in a castle full of homosexuals in denial, what she was doing there was anyone's guess and she didn't seem too keen on telling.   
She'd wanted him to bring her a spell book, but she hadn't used it, and didn't really look like a wizard. Ukyo had been a fighter what was Ukygo?  
Of course the princesses deserved consideration as well, for what he was about to do would depend on them as well.   
Arkane resembled Akane in personality and body but was also so very different from Akane. She was, perhaps what Akane might have been were she raised in the grandeur of a royal court. Arkane had been engaged to Ranma-er Ranmorgan and apparently the insane wizard had turned Ranmorgan into a dragon because of it, but did that mean she'd *loved* Ranmorgan? And why did such a detail eat away at Ryoga's mind? Was it because even the Akane that wasn't Akane was obviously in love with some one who . . . well, just wasn't Ryoga? Had the Ranma who wasn't Ranma beaten him at something he hadn't even been prepared for? His head was starting to hurt, he moved on.  
Nabiatrix. Yes, Nabiatrix certainly seemed like Nabiki, she'd even sold him into slavery. But she was sloppy compared to Nabiki, she'd sold their food and water supplies to bandits who'd tried to kidnap and rape her a few days before, and then suggested living off the foodstuffs in Ryoga's "magical" backpack. Maybe if Nabiki were raised surrounded by money, she wouldn't need to be *good* at scamming people and thus she'd be Nabiatrix.  
Neither princess would be very useful to him, and so far they hadn't done a very good job of guiding him to the dragon. In fact everyone was following Checkers now.  
"And here we are!" Cried Nabiatrix triumphantly. "I've done my job and led you to the fiery keep of the dragon!"  
"Eh . . . Checkers led me to the fiery keep of the dragon." Ryoga noted.  
"You only think the dog led you, it was in fact my super intelligence that inspired the dog to go the correct way, it was me who-"  
"Shut up." Ukygo scowled. "Am I the only one who remembers that the "fiery keep of the dragon" is supposed to have a dragon?"  
"Yeah . . . where is the big ugly lizard anyway?" Ryoga frowned.  
"In the keep maybe." Arkane said.  
"How would the dragon squeeze through that tiny door?"  
"We're really far away Sir. Ryoga, if we go *closer* maybe the door will be larger?" Nabiatrix sounded like a teacher trying to get her student to figure out what two plus two equaled on his own.  
"FIVE!" Ryoga cried out, then corrected himself, "I mean four. Eh . . . let's go."  
  
As it turned out the door did get larger. Much larger. It was pretty darn big actually, Ryoga understood now how the dragon could get in and out. But as he and the others approached the gates swung open and out marched a man with blood red armor astride a horse with an amber coat, and red silk draped over it so it looked like the horse was dressed up like a ghost. A red ghost.  
"None shall pass!" The Red Knight said.  
"Who-" Arkane began,  
"None shall pass!"  
"Who are-" Arkane tried,  
"I say NONE shall pass!"  
"Eh? What is this? Who are you!" Nabiatrix demanded.  
"I am-"  
"Who are you?" Nabiatrix scowled.  
"I-"  
"Who are you!?!" Nabiatrix glared.  
"You fool! I am the Red Knight! The avatar of the great Dragon Ranma, general of Ranmorgan's Red Legion!"  
"Red Knight, let us pass, we must face your master Ranmorgan and free him of this curse!" Ryoga said. The Red Knight seemed to be considering it, until Ukygo shouted,  
"Free him by KILLING him! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
"What? Then ye shall die!" The knight cried, drawing his sword.  
"G'on sir Ryoga, fight him!" Nabiatrix said.  
"With what?" Arkane panicked. "He doesn't have a sword!"  
Nabiatrix nodded. She pointed to Ryoga's umbrella. "Use this."  
Ryoga sighed, picked up the umbrella just in time to block an attack from the knight's huge broad sword.  
"Haha!" The knight cried.  
"Haha!" Ryoga mimicked, whacking the knight over the head with the umbrella's handle. The knight fell off his horse and fainted . . . or died, you can't get a pulse on an armored wrist.  
The gates opened again, and a blue knight came out. "I am the Blue Knight!" He said. "I am the Admiral of Ranmorgan's navy!"  
"But the kingdom of Dirt was land locked!" Arkane cried.  
"Yes . . . such a cushy job!" The Blue Knight nodded. "Ye, who hath slain the Red Knight must know my fury!"  
"Do we have to?" Ryoga whined.  
  
The evil sorcerer Happerlin watched from the tower's tallest window. The blue knight went down, the green knight went down, the purple knight made a valiant effort but actually was defeated by Nabiatrix when she sneezed and he panicked and ran into the mote screaming about the plagues. Knights can't swim.  
The black knight tried, but his limbs had only recently been sewn back on, so he didn't put up much of a challenge. Happerlin clapped as the four adventurers marched for the palace. "Hurrah! They will reverse my filthy evil!" The little wizard scurried down stairs and saw Sir. Ryoga and three beautiful women, the beautiful Arkane, his desired bride, magnificent Nabiatrix, the *real* ruler of the land, and some chick with a big book of spells.  
"Sweet!" Happerlin cried, leaping at Arkane's breasts. Ryoga blocked him, Happerlin grunted. "Sorry." He apologized. He pointed to Arkane, "later my darling!"  
"Hey! You're the evil wizard who turned my fiancee into a dragon!" Arkane cried.  
"Digging up lawns, and knocking over trash cans with single whip of his tail!" Ukygo added.  
"And burning all the really attractive knights to death, leaving me to marry-" Nabiatrix shuddered "Tatewa-Kay Kunobir!"  
"What about sir Ryoga?" Arkane asked.  
"He's too stupid to make a good husband." Nabiatrix scoffed.  
"Hey! If Tatewa-Kay Kunobir is anything like Tatewaki Kuno, then I'm worlds smarter than he is!" Everyone stared at Ryoga. "What?"  
"So you want to marry Nabiatrix then?" Arkane looked excited.  
"I didn't say that!" Ryoga protested.  
"Then what *are* you saying?" Nabiatrix scowled.  
"Yeah! What *are* you saying Sir. Ryoga?" Ukygo demanded.  
"Eh . . . y'know I really want to go slay a dragon right now." Ryoga said. He marched off, Nabiatrix grabbed him.  
"Just a second 'Sir' Ryoga." She said coldly. "I think it'd be best if you, a knight of the realm, donned your armor before facing the dragon."  
"But I-"  
"Do it!" Nabiatrix cried.  
Happerlin shuddered, Ryoga donned the armor it was of course a perfect fit, he looked really good too. Unfortunately . . .  
"This is really itchy!" Ryoga said.  
"Yeah, well deal with it Mr. 'I didn't say that!" Nabiatrix shoved him towards the large door that said "This way to Dragon". Now everyone stared at Nabiatrix.  
"So you *want* to marry sir Ryoga?" Arkane sounded even more excited than when Ryoga suggested he wanted to marry Nabiatrix.  
"I didn't say that!" Nabiatrix cried.  
"What *are* you saying?" Ryoga asked.  
"Yeah, what *are* you saying, Princess Nabiatrix?" Ukygo scowled.  
"Just shut up and die!" Nabiatrix shoved Ryoga through the door.  
"Off! Off to adventure!" Ukygo said, then for no apparent reason she smacked Ryoga with her book. "Cad!" She hissed.  
"What?" Ryoga looked confused, but the girls just kicked him through the door. Happerlin scratched his head.  
"I'm confused now." He said.  
"A woman's heart is a fickle thing." Arkane explained.  
"That doesn't being to explain-"  
"You can die too!" Nabiatrix shoved the little wizard through the door after Ryoga.  
  
Happerlin showed up just as Ryoga finished picking his now very heavy self up off the ground. He scratched his head. "What is up with them?"  
"Must be that time of the month." The tiny wizard scowled.  
"I heard that!" One of the girls-Ryoga couldn't tell which-shouted.  
The door led down to tunnels which led to caves, Ryoga and the wizard traveled them until they found a large cave with a big purple-gray lizard's tail sticking out.  
"This is simple," Happerlin said, "we get in, kill the dragon, get out, you go back to your own time and I cure you of your curse and everyone lives happily ever after!"  
"Sounds good." Ryoga nodded. "Lets go!"  
  
"What do you want to do today?" Ranma the dragon's left head said. This head was male with blue-black scales going all along his neck down to the purple-gray body.  
"I dunno. You wanna knock over some trash cans?" The right head asked. This one was female with pink-red scales going along her neck to the purple-gray body.  
"You wanna burn some innocent victims?" Black asked.  
"That's always fun." Red nodded.  
"Not so fast!" A little human thing shouted. "I am Sir. Ryoga of The Wolf Fang, I have come from the kingdom Rubadub with princesses Arkane and Nabiatrix to put an end to your evil reign Ranmorgan!"  
"I'm not Ranmorgan!" Red cried.  
The little knight looked up at them. "Hey! It's Ranma . . . and Ranko! You didn't say it was a two headed dragon!"   
"Yes I did! I had to first separate Ranmorgan from his feminine alter-ego, then I turned them into a dragon." The very tiny wizard, Happerlin said.  
"See?" Black asked. "And *you* said we were around since the big bang! I told you we were the product of incest and toxic waste!"  
"What?" Ryoga blinked.  
"You're the product of MY incredible magic! My disgustingly filthy evil!" Happerlin cried. "I am your creator, your father, YOUR MASTER!"  
"You mean you didn't even clean your evil before you made us?" Red yelped.  
Happerlin seemed to be trying to fathom her words. Finally he scowled. "As your master, I command you to destroy Sir Ryoga to show how powerful my magic is!"  
"Hey! We're on the same side!" Ryoga cried.  
"Oh . . . sorry I forgot. Well dragon, don't kill him then."  
"But that'd be the perfect way to get rid of our boredom." Black said.  
"Yep." Red agreed.  
"So . . . lets . . ." Black trailed off . . .  
"KILL HIM!" Red lunged forward, her large mouth full of teeth the size of swords.  
Ryoga dodged Ranko's attack and brought his umbrella down on the dragon's huge snout, then ran along the cave wall as the black head spat fire at him. Soon the red head joined in, Ryoga was slow-moving and his armor was itchy! He drew his umbrella again and used it to shield himself from the flames as he tried to claw through the breastplate to get at his chest. Surprisingly the flames just rolled off the umbrella leaving it unharmed, unfortunately the heat melted Ryoga's armor together, he'd never get it off now!  
That filled him with rage, he took his umbrella and lunged for the dragon.  
"Do you have any idea how itchy this is?" He cried, slapping the black head back and forth with the umbrella, then he smacked the red head.  
The dragon didn't like this, Black brought his head up, Red brought her head down, and then they slammed them together and a huge blast of flame erupted from them. Ryoga was blown all the way to the cave wall, he wondered why he wasn't dying.  
Happerlin chuckled. "See? My filthy evil magic comes in handy!" He was sitting on Ryoga's head, casting some sort of barrier spell.  
"EEH! Don't touch me with your filthy evil!" The dragon cried, Red and Black bumped heads again, this time it wasn't intentional, and they started trying to flee the cave. Ryoga chased them and then stopped.   
"How do I slay the dragon?" he asked.  
"Didn't you ask the spell book?" Happerlin frowned.  
"I knew I was forgetting something!" Ryoga cried. Then he frowned. "What the heck am I bothering with this for?" He asked. He took a couple bandannas and just threw them at the dragons, it took a few rounds but eventually he'd cut off their heads. "That wasn't so bad." He said at last.  
"For you!" Black cried, then died.  
"Jerk!" Red cried, then died.  
There was a loud silence, then the universe imploded in on itself because silence can't really be loud. Luckily no one noticed.  
There was a magical hush now, then the room glowed bright and a church quire sang one of those songs where the just moan "ahh" for a really long time while music plays. Eh . . . never mind. Anyway when the flash ended and Ryoga's eyes agreed to start working again, Ryoga could see Ranma standing before him dressed in princely robes. He had a sword in one hand, and wore a cape. Even the prince Ranmorgan of Dirt had a pigtail.  
"Yo, Sir. Knight. I am prince Ranmorgan of Dirt. Ya freed me from my prison, for this I . . . I dunno, I guess I gotta say "thank you."  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Ryoga scowled, trying to get his armor off.  
"If there's ever anything I can do for ya, I suppose I'd owe ya a favor or something."  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Ryoga managed to get his breastplate off. "YES!"  
The little wizard Happerlin sighed. "Alas, I was hoping you'd die when your dragon form died."  
"I almost did ya old lecher!" Ranmorgan said, whacking Happerlin with the flat of his blade. "That'll learn ya!"  
"How did you survive?" Ryoga asked, finally free of his armor.  
"I . . . I think it was because of love."  
"Get away from me!" Ryoga cried, jumping a pace back.  
"Not you!" Ranmorgan cried. "I remembered my tom-boy violent maniac fiancee Arkane, and I just couldn't die."  
"Yeah right." Happerlin scoffed.  
"Shaddap old man!"  
  
Arkane was pacing back and forth, Nabiatrix was reading a magazine called "Maids in Armour" and Ukygo was flipping through her spell book.  
"Those are so fake!" Nabiatrix said, breaking the silence. "You'd think the brave knights of Dirt would have better reading material!"  
"How can you two sit back and read?" Arkane cried. "We sent poor Sir. Ryoga to his death!"  
"He'll be fine." Ukygo said.  
"We should have gone with him!" Arkane continued.  
"Too busy. I'll go later."  
"But what about the gold?" Arkane scowled. Nabiatrix threw the magazine in the air and dashed for the door.  
"I forgot!" She cried. She opened the door and bumped into Ryoga. "Ouch!"  
"Nabiatrix?" Ryoga asked. "You were going to go in after me?"  
"Darn right! Where's the dragon's horde?" Nabiatrix asked.  
"That's the kindest thing anyone has ever done!" Ryoga said, tears in his eyes, he hugged her tight, "I'll never forget your comradery!"  
"Arms . . . and . . . legs . . . useless!" Nabiatrix cried as Ryoga crushed her. "Get . . . off me!"  
"Oops." Ryoga let her go. "Sorry. So . . . what now?" He asked the little wizard.  
"Now we go and get the treasure!" Nabiatrix cried after she caught her breath.  
"There is no treasure." Happerlin said. "The myth of dragon's hordes is just a myth."  
"You lie! Youu Liiieeeeee!" Nabiatrix tried to claw the little wizard's face but Ryoga was blocking her.  
"It's true, I didn't have a horde, but I really wish I did." Ranmorgan said, coming out from behind Happerlin and Ryoga. Nabiatix gawked for a moment.  
"Ranmorgan!" Akrane cried.  
"Arkane!" Ranmorgan gasped. They ran towards each other, they were about to throw their arms around each other when suddenly they stopped, crossed their arms and turned away from each other. "Uncute tomboy!" He scowled.  
"Self absorbed show off!" She scowled back.  
"Wow . . . our worlds are so much alike." Ryoga sighed.  
"Alas, despite their words she'd rather have him than me." Happerlin sighed.  
Nabiatrix huffed then stomped off. "Alright, we saved the prince, killed the dragon, and don't have any reward for it!"  
"Oh I wouldn't say that." Happerlin said. "I will give you all gifts for helping rid the world of my disgustingly filthy evil. For you, Ukygo, a giant spatula that you will pass down from generation to generation!" The tiny wizard pulled this out of his pocket somehow. "As long as you and your descendants possess this, you will have a very successful Japanese Pizza industry."  
"Japanese what?" Ukygo frowned.  
"For you, Nabiatrix, a purse."  
"That's it?"  
"Whenever you need to pay for something you just reach into the purse and the money you need will be there."  
"I see . . ." Nabiatrix grinned. "This aint so bad. Lets start small, twenty gold pieces!" She said, reaching in, her hand came out empty.  
"It only works if you need to pay for something."  
"This sucks old man!" Nabiatrix scowled.  
"For you, Arkane, the most precious gift."  
"What is it?" Arkane asked.  
"A girdle, you need it fatty!" Happerlin chuckled, tossing Arkane a golden girdle. She stole Ranmorgan's sword and lunged for the wizard screaming. "I'm just joking! I'm just joking! When you put that girdle on you'll automatically be wearing the dress of your dreams!"  
"That's wonderful!"  
Nabiatrix herd Happerlin whisper to Ranmorgan, "that's your present too, when the dress appears Arkane's breasts will be ten times as large as they are now, and it'll stay that way until she takes the girdle off."  
"YES!" Ranmorgan cried.  
"Hey!" Nabiatrix scowled.  
"And for Sir. Ryoga, well he'll get his reward when his quest is finished."  
"Say what now?" Ryoga frowned. "My quest *is* finished! I slew the dragon!"  
"Yes, but you also unleashed an unspeakable evil on the world and you need to stop it. The green dwarves are even now attacking Rubadub, you and Ranmorgan must go there now and stop them."  
"GAH!" Ryoga fell over.  
"Don't worry, my trusty generals will round up my enormous army in no time and we can go take those dwarves down!" Ranmorgan said. "I owe ya that much."  
"Except they had to kill your generals to save you." Happerlin said. "And your soldiers are on vacation."  
"Son of a-"  
"Well, you young'uns better get going." Happerling chuckled and he disappeared.  
"So . . . I guess we have to save Rubadub." Ryoga sighed.  
"Guess so." Ranmorgan nodded. "Well let us waste no time! Forward! Hence forth we don't stop until we've killed all the dwarves!" They got on the five horses of the five defeated knights and rode off, unfortunately they let Ryoga lead and ended up getting lost and Checkers had to lead them out of The Bog of Confessions after the worst Truth or Dare game EVER! But I wont give you details . . . on that . . . I'd have to change the rating on this story ^_~  
Anyway after that they traveled into the bog of fantasy, and I'll save that tale for the final chapter . . .   
  
To Be Concluded . . .  
  
In our last exciting episode our five adventurers have really strange fantasies, and then Ranmorgan the valiant, Ryoga the brave, Ukygo the cute, Arkane the tomboy, and Nabiatrix the greedy will wage vicious battle against the FF9 dwarves, and free Rubadub, but what's this? Happerlin lied to Ryoga about curing his curse? What's going to happen? 


	5. The Final Battle!

The author would like to note that he is not making fun of Scottish accents with the green dwarves, he is making fun of the accents used by the stupid green dwarves in Final Fantasy 9 which resemble an exaggerated version of Scottish, thus he is making fun of stereotypes.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma, Final Fantasy Nine, any King Arthur movie/book/game or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  
  
A Dragon Named Ranma  
Chapter Five; The Final Battle! Say 'Goodbye' Ryoga!  
  
Deep in the Bog of Fantasy . . .  
Ryoga wandered for what felt like days, until finally he found what he'd been looking for . . . wait . . . no . . . ahh who cared? The Tendo Training Hall, only now it said the Hibiki Training Hall. He walked in and there was his wife, Akane Hibiki. Their five children—all of whom were boys who'd inherited their father's passion for martial arts and thankfully their mother's sense of direction—were all playing some child's game and enjoying themselves. Ryoga came into the house and Akane smiled warmly, "Aha, Ryoga, you're home, how wonderful! Because guess what—Ryuko needs a diaper change, Ryunosuke needs help with his homework, Ryoga II was playing with knives, and you need to give Ryomasa the birds and the bees chat because Mousse and Shampoo called and it seems little Perfume just grew breast."  
"Perfume? Mousse and Shampoo named their kid after Perfume? Why?" Ryoga blinked.  
Akane stared at him. "Who are you?"  
"What? It's me, Ryoga."  
"Ryoga? Oh I haven't seen you in years! You must come in for tea! Ranma! Ranma, your friend is here!"  
To Ryoga's shock a fat balding version of Ranma came down stairs, the children all sprouted pigtails and started calling him names, and there were at least three more of them. Akane was also suddenly looking nine months pregnant again.  
"AAAAHHHHH!" Ryoga turned and ran away.  
  
Ukygo wandered through the high mountains, she had the spatula, but what was Japanese Pizza?  
Then the giant head of the thunder god appeared. "Ukygowain . . . Ukygowain . . ."  
"Eh . . . that's me."  
"You shall have a quest, a quest to bring a new sort of food to the world. You will invent the Japanese Pizza!"  
"Invent what?"  
"Silence! And after you have invented it you shall raise a family of ninja, trained in the art of the Battle Spatula, and you shall pass down your spatula to the most powerful generation after generation."  
"If you say so."  
"And you will get a nose ring."  
"A nose ring?"  
"The Thunder God has Spoken!" The thunder god drifted away.  
"Hmm . . . if I have to start a family, I will need a husband . . . but who? I know, Ryoga, he's big, strong, and lacking in the brains department, he's perfect!"  
Ukygo had a brief vision of her future . . .  
"Okonomiyaki! Okonomiyaki!" A merchant would say.  
"You there! I will invent your Okonomiyaki!" Ukygo would cry.  
"I don't know how, seeing as how it's been around for years." The merchant would say, sounding a little confused.  
"Oh yeah? Tell me how to make it, then introduce me to everyone who knows how to make it, then introduce me to everyone who frequently customers them."  
Within the year the population of "ancient" Japan plummeted, but it was mostly blamed on Fires, Earthquakes, Floods, and Rebellions, of course few of any of these events actually happened.  
  
Ranmorgan and Arkane shared a fantasy, it was a long drawn out love song sung in Japanese with lots of musical instruments but no apparent musicians playing in the background, but since that's not my thing I'm going to skip that. ^ ~ ^  
  
Nabiatrix was having the most unusual fantasy of all, she was queen of the entire kingdom, Kunobir was her husband, but that was okay because he was strong, attractive, but also stupid enough for her to still run the show. And she had Sir. Ryoga as her secret special friend anyway . . . hey wait a minute!  
"Sir Ryoga?" She asked. "Why am I having a fantasy about you?"  
He didn't answer, he looked as if he hadn't heard. He swept her off her feet and kissed her far better than anyone ever had before, his arms wrapped around her tightly, protectively, she felt safe and warm and happy and then—  
The real Sir Ryoga ran by screaming hysterically, he was closely followed by a horde of little black piglets with bandannas tied around their necks. However the chase stopped momentarily for Ryoga to backtrack, look at Nabiatrix and the fantasy version of himself, and scratch his head.  
"Well? What are you looking at?" Nabiatrix demanded uneasily.  
"Is that me rounding second base on you?" Ryoga blinked.  
"I know nothing of these bases, and . . . and . . . and you only think it is you, because that is your fantasy." Nabiatrix said. "I'm actually in the arms of . . . eh . . . someone else."  
"My fantasy?" The little piglets were now attacking Sir Ryoga, they were chewing on him all over, but he was oblivious.  
"Yes your fantasy . . . eh . . . I mean Oh No! Get off of me!" She reluctantly kicked away the fantasy version of Sir Ryoga, just as he moved to kiss her again, and he disappeared into thin air. "Aww! You've ruined my fantasy!"  
"Eh . . . sorry?" Ryoga offered, holding his hands out in surrender . . . several little piglets were holding onto his long sleeves with their teeth . . .  
Nabiatrix wondered for a moment if kissing the real Sir Ryoga would be as good as kissing the fantasy version of him, and decided since he was real it should be even better, she advanced towards him only to be stopped at the last moment by a little wizard.  
"So . . . you fools got lost already eh? Well I'll help you out . . . we're going to need to give Ranmorgan and Arkane a few minutes though . . ."  
"Why? What are *they* doing?" Nabiatrix demanded. "He had better not be ruining my sister's purity!"  
"No . . . they are . . . singing."  
"Gah! Okay, let's keep a wide girth around them and find Ukygowain." Nabiatrix said firmly.  
"But I like the way Akane sings!" Sir Ryoga said.  
"This is Arkane, not Akane," Happerlin said, "trust me, you don't want to hear her sing."  
  
Kunobir stood high atop the wall of the great Rubadub gate, he watched as the invading mass of green things advanced. He frowned.  
"What is that?" He scoffed.  
"It is an army of green dwarves!" A soldier cried.  
"Hah! Then those dwarves do not know that I am Tatewa-Kay Kunobir, the cream of Rubadub's fighting crop! I will destroy them single handedly!"  
An arrow struck his shoulder and he feel from the wall. He survived, but then he was trampled by an army of dwarves. Surprisingly, he survived that too.  
But he wasn't too pleased.  
  
The palace itself shook, Sounthur groaned. "G-guards?" He squeaked, the two armed guards said and did nothing.  
His wife, queen Nodokavere walked by with a big chest of gold strapped to her back, following her was Sir Genmalot with an even bigger chest of gold strapped to his back.  
"Where are you two going?" Sounthur cried. "Sir Genmalot, my first Knight, you must guard the walls!"  
"Eh . . . no." Genmalot said.  
"Forget you, we're going to run off and elope!" Nodokavere cried. "And the gold is to ensure we have a comfortable life!"  
"Oh the world is just crashing down around me!"  
"Sir, a soldier looking through a telescope discovered that Sir Ryoga is returning, with your daughters, a monk, a wizard and Prince Ranmorgan of Dirt."  
"And has he brought Ranmorgan's army?"  
"We can only hope sir, these dwarves simply will not be denied, our soldiers cannot seem to defeat them." The soldier said.  
"Then let us pray that Ranmorgan's Elite Rainbow Knight Corps haven't become his Elite Rainbow Knight Corpses."  
"If the knights were defeated then surely it would be the death of us all."  
  
"Look, the Black Knight didn't even put up a fight!" Ryoga said, "and the Red Knight? He was a push over."  
"They were some of my best!" Ranmorgan spat.  
"Well your best just weren't good enough for Sir. Ryoga." Nabiatrix sneered, sticking her tongue out at Arkane. Now that Arkane had her Fiancee along, Nabiatrix apparently wanted to compete, but since Ukygo wasn't willing to pose as a man she'd chosen Ryoga to be the temporary object of her affection, the Wizard had been rejected.  
"Well I could have taken him." Ranmorgan scowled, "I just didn't want to stay a dragon forever."  
"Yeah right." Nabiatrix scowled back.  
"Can you let go of me?" Ryoga asked.  
"No."  
"Oh yes you can!" Ukygo scowled, grabbing the princess and shoving her away from Ryoga. "Keep yer hands off, sugar."  
"How dare you? Cant you see I was just massaging his shoulders? I am a princess, we know how to do that, as opposed to you monks who just know . . . ah . . . junk . . . stuff . . . anyway. You should not treat me so roughly!"  
"I shouldn't, but I did." Ukygo said in mocking realization.  
"I'm sensing something going on here that I don't know about." Ryoga sighed.  
"They both want you." Arkane shrugged.  
"Alas, I can get any woman, except the one I want." Ryoga sighed.  
"What do you mean 'except' the one you want?" Nabiatrix scowled. "A princess isn't enough for you? Huh!?"  
"Eh . . . aww crap." Ryoga sighed. Ranmorgan and Arkane laughed. Until they saw the fires.  
"Hey . . . what's that?" Ukygo asked.  
"That's the direction our kingdom is in!" Arkane cried.  
Ukygo shoved Nabiatrix. "Hah! You're not a princess anymore!" Nabiatrix was too shocked to retaliate.  
"Oh no!" Ranmorgan cried. They looked, for indeed they were too late, the dwarves were laying siege to Rubadub.  
"If we had . . . say . . . an *army* this wouldn't be a thing." Ranmorgan pointed out.  
"Shaddap." Ryoga growled. "They put me up to it!" He pointed wildly from girl to girl.  
"Oh sure, blame it on us!" Arkane cried.  
"Be a man, take responsibility for your own actions." Ukygo said.  
"Well fine, I beat the knights, but you two had to have your five hour love scene, we could have been there by long ago!"  
"Might I remind everyone that the castle is on fire, which is a bit of a trick because castles like that don't usually burn so magnificently, ooh look, there goes the south wall, they're doomed." Happerlin said.  
"In that case, let's go back to the Bog and have more fantasies." Ukygo offered.  
"My home is on fire, my family and friends are being slaughtered, and you want to go get high in a bog?" Nabiatrix demanded.  
"Well . . . yes. I mean, hey, my condolences sugar, but I'm not about to go die for your crummy kingdom. C'mon Sir. Ryoga."  
"No . . . no I have to stop those dwarves."  
"Oh thank you! I love you!" Nabiatrix cried, throwing her arms around Ryoga's neck.  
"So that I can complete my quest and return to my own time." Ryoga explained.  
Nabiatrix scowled and let him go.  
"Well then . . . I guess we gotta go bust up some dwarves." Ranmorgan said.  
"Alright! Let's do that thing where we all put our hands in the middle and lift them up and shout!" Happerlin cried.  
"We don't have time for that!" Ryoga cried, drawing out his umbrella and charging into the fray, with Ranmorgan—sword drawn—close behind, Ukygo following with her new spatula, and the princesses followed as well, though unarmed. They came mostly so that they could see if they could find a way to get captured and become damsels in distress, as was the ambition of every unmarried, unsullied princess. Incidentally damsels in distress did not often remain unsullied.  
  
"Stand firm!" Kasumian commanded, standing just behind the line of Rubadub archers. Arrows seemed to be the only thing effective on the dwarves, swords tended to slice them in half and that would result in new dwarves growing from the two sides, and any gash large enough to kill would cause the dwarf to split.  
The dwarves were advancing, coming for her, screaming insane things about pints and bar maids, the princess could hear her teeth chattering, she ordered another volley but the dwarves were upon her soldiers, hacking madly at them, there were shreds of armor, blood and guts everywhere, the princess did the princessly thing and fainted.  
  
"We ash de bar maid!" The head dwarf (Bolgott) announced.  
"Then let us return to our keep, where she ken serve us the pints and then entertain us wit her dance of drunken jig." The Supreme advisor dwarf (also called Bolgott) nodded.  
"Not so fast!" Ryoga growled, he lunged forward and smacked the dwarf on the head with his umbrella, the supreme advisor dwarf fell over unconscious. Ranmorgan lunged forward and chopped the head dwarf in half.  
The two halves regenerated two more dwarves. The dwarves turned to each other and shook hands and introduced themselves to one another. "I'm Bolgott!"  
"Aye, I'm Bolgott!"  
"Aye, I be Bolgott too aye!"  
"Did ye ken we caught the bar wench?"  
"Aye, I ken that!"  
Ranmorgan and Ryoga watched in confusion, then Ukygo lunged forward and flattened them both into dwarf Okonomiyaki with her spatula.  
"Okay . . ." Ryoga scratched his head. "This seems strangely familiar."  
"No time for that, let's save the kingdom!" Ranmorgan cried.  
"Who do you think the 'bar maid' is?" Ryoga asked.  
"Nobody important, I bet." Ranmorgan scoffed. The two ran off and fought on, though only Ukygo was having any success.  
Soon they fought their way through the ever thinning lines of dwarves, until they reached the remnants of the remaining defenders.  
"Prince Ranmorgan!" Cried sir Genmalot, stepping away from efforts to get a horse to pull a wagon full of gold. "You've come with your armies? We will trap the enemy between us and justice shall prevail!"  
"No, I could not rally my armies, my knights were annihilated." Ranmorgan said bitterly.  
Ryoga scoffed. "Well if they weren't such pus–"  
"Well, if we're all doomed anyway, the former queen and myself were planning a get away. Any of you lads want to come with?" Genmalot asked.  
"What?" Ukygo cried. "I'll hear nothing of the sort! Press onward, victory or death! Let them suffer! Throw heavy rocks over what remains of the wall!"  
The soldiers cheered and did so. Some of the rocks landed on Sir. Kunobir, he became very displeased.  
Ryoga left Ukygo at the walls, and Ranmorgan arguing with Genmalot, he rushed in to meet with King Sounthur!  
"Lord, I have come, the dwarves seem to be retreating, your kingdom is safe for now. Moreover I have returned with Prince Ranmorgan and–"  
"Yes, yes I know! But where are my daughters?"  
"Hmm . . . I forgot about them . . ."  
"You WHAT!?"  
"Well . . . it wasn't my fault, there was a battle going on."  
"You should have protected them!" The king began to weep.  
"Fear not, dear dad, for I, Arkane am safe."  
"What of your sisters, Kasumian and Nabiatrix?"  
"Well last I saw Kasumian was being dragged off by dwarves, I left Nabiatrix back at the battle field. She said she wanted to search all the bodies throughly for identification."  
"Surely she heard the news that lord Tatewa-Kay Kunobir fell over the wall, and seeks out his remains so as to mourn." The king sighed.  
"No, we found him outside the gates . . . she kicked him and then stole his coin purse."  
"Well, since he's dead she may be awarded to lord Ryoga, for the defeat of the dragon and for assisting in saving our kingdom!"  
Ryoga sighed and shook his head. "Where is the wizard?" He asked.  
Happerlin appeared. "Hello!"  
"Ahh! The evil pervert wizard!" the king cried.  
"No, he's a good pervert wizard again." Arkane said.  
"I've got good news, and bad." The wizard said.  
There was a scream from the walls. "The dwarves are back!"  
"Is that part of the bad news?" Sounthur frowned.  
"No, that's the good news."  
"What?"  
"Good news, the dwarves have returned to attack and we're all going to die. The bad news--"  
"How is that good news?" Ryoga demanded.  
"Well compared to the bad news . . ." The wizard mumbled.  
"Tell us the bad news." Sounthur said.  
"You'd better come see . . ." The little wizard frowned.  
  
Nabiatrix had just gotten to the gate, weighed down by the dozens of coin purses she'd stolen from the dead. She looked back and saw an army of green dwarves led by . . .  
Kasumian?  
It was her sister, dressed in a black leather bikini with high heel boots, with tattoos all over her body, she had a long whip and rode a large black horse.  
"W-what happened to you? You were gone for ten minutes! Eleven tops!"  
"I have come over to the dark side, and you my sister must join me!"  
"Do I have to dress like that?"  
"Yes."  
"Uh . . . no, I don't think I will." Nabiatrix scoffed. She turned towards the gate in time to see the guards hastily locking her out. "NO! You scum!" She cried, standing in place there for all of the five minutes it took to close the large gates.  
"Nabiatrix!" Sounthur cried. "Kasumian!"  
"No! No longer am I maid Kasumian, I am Dark Queen Kasumian, the leader of this organization, and I cordially invite you, Nabiatrix to become my second in command, in charge of plunder and spoils."  
"An offer like that . . . for the mere price of dressing like a harlot . . ." Nabiatrix shook her head. "No! I cannot, I will never betray Rubadub, I will die for my country!"  
"NNNOOO!" Arkane cried.  
"Forward! Destroy them!" Kasumian cried.  
  
Ryoga glared down at the sight, Nabiatrix about to be taken by the dwarves. He glared at them, and scowled. He thought of what it'd mean for the dwarves to destroy everything, for him to fail to save the kingdom. He briefly thought of how he'd feel if Nabiatrix was taken away.  
Happily–oops, unhappily it gave him the depression necessary to wipe out most of the dwarves with a lethal version of his favorite–er least favorite attack. The wave of energy swept through their ranks and decimated them, then he leapt down from the wall and stood in front of Nabiatrix . . . then he collapsed.  
"That was impressive. Until you fainted!" Nabiatrix kicked him.  
"H-hey, I did it to save you!" Ryoga protested.  
"Big deal, we're still going to die." Nabiatrix scoffed.  
"Not today!" The Red Knight shouted.  
"Hmm? I thought I killed you!" Ryoga shouted.  
"No, I just got knocked out." The Red Knight said. "Now, men, prepare for battle!"  
"No! You fools, cutting them only makes them reproduce!" Nabiatrix cried.  
"That's okay! Do you know what the red legion is famous for?" Ranmorgan chuckled.  
"No, what?" Ryoga shouted up the wall.  
"Fire!" The Red Knight shouted, his red legion fired their catapults and rained fiery doom down upon the dwarves!  
And Nabiatrix, Ryoga and Dark Queen Kasumian as well, the three ran around in circles to avoid the great boulders of flame.  
Everyone on the wall laughed and cheered as the dwarves were wiped out, then the Red Legion ceased fire and came up to the gates, Ranmorgan and Arkane came out to meet them.  
The gates opened, Nabiatrix ran up to and began to scream at the man in charge of the gate. "Your princess was out there, I could have died, or worse! You are so fired! From now on you're the janitor! You hear me?"  
"Hurrah! I finally get my dream job!" The man hugged Nabiatrix and ran off singing.  
"Eh? Hey, you're not supposed to be happy!" Nabiatrix yelled after him, he didn't listen.  
"Good work Red Knight!" Ranmorgan said. "You've saved us all."  
"What about me?" Ryoga asked.  
"Shut up." Ranmorgan scoffed.  
"Sir. Ryoga blasted them, if not for him there would have been too many for your Red Legion." Ukygo pointed out.  
"Oh fine. Here." Ranmorgan scoffed, passing Ryoga a medal. "The Dirty Star of Valor! Our greatest honor. If you weren't already a knight of Rubadub I'd make you my new Blue Knight."  
"Uh . . . no thanks, I'm more interested in getting home. Where is that wizard?"  
"Take the medal anyway." Ranmorgan said. "For saving me, if nothing else."  
"Uh . . . okay, I guess." Ryoga said. "Thanks."  
"Don't mention it." Ranmorgan grinned.  
"Let us celebrate our victory!" Sounthur cried.  
"Wait a second. Ranmorgan, I thought your army was on vacation." Arkane pointed out.  
"When we learned that our prince was in danger we gladly sacrificed our vacations to come to his rescue!" A soldier cried.  
"And when we are certain that this crisis is dealt with," Ranmorgan said, "I will give you all three months vacation, one month to replace the one that has been interrupted, one for your valor, and even more vacation time in honor of my wedding to beautiful princess Arkane."  
The troops cheered.  
"And the soldiers of Rubadub will have a vacation, in honor of my wedding to beautiful princess Nabiatrix!" Kunobir said, getting up and dusting himself off as if he'd never sustained any injuries.  
"What soldiers?" Ukygo asked. Except for the gate guard and the king's own body guards, there were barely any left who weren't lying on the ground, groaning.  
"Uh . . . well we shall recruit an army just to give them vacation time." Kunobir sighed.  
"Actually, I've decided to test the theory that a woman can be unmarried and still successful." Nabiatrix said simply.  
"Uh . . . what a lot we have to celebrate. . . heh-heh" Sounthur said nervously. Kunobir groaned and keeled over, the soldiers cheered.  
"I'm so happy!" Nabiatrix said.  
"He's got a pulse!" Ukygo noted.   
"Curses." Nabiatrix sighed.  
  
"This is the biggest party held in Rubadub since . . . well, since the last war ended." Ukygowain said. "Or so I've heard."  
"I don't really like formal get togethers." Ryoga said.  
"Me neither, sugar." Ukygo scoffed, she wore male cloths, just like Ukyo. Her formal outfit was far more extravangant than Ryoga's own normal yellow shirt and olive pants.  
But then Ryoga didnt care if he wasnt properly dressed, he wanted to go home. "Where is that wizard? I don't want to grow old in the middle ages."  
"This home of yours, is it very far away?"  
"I had to ride a tornado to get here." Ryoga admitted.  
"Sounds fun." Ukygo shrugged. "So, I guess you've got family back there?"  
"Yeah, but I never see them." Ryoga said simply.  
"A wife?"  
"Huh? No, not that." Ryoga chuckled.  
"Uh . . . I want you to have this." Ukygo said, giving him the fourth book of spells. "To remember our adventure when you get back to your home."  
"Uh . . . thanks." Ryoga said.  
"Don't . . . uh . . . don't mention it." Ukygo said. "You ah . . . you don't . . . need wife, do you?"  
"Huh?" Ryoga looked up from the book she'd just given him. Had he just heard her right?  
"N-nothing!" She said. "Just forget it." She quickly leaned forward and kissed Ryoga on the cheek, then disappeared in the blink of an eye.  
Ryoga scratched his head. "Didn't see that coming." He decided.  
"Ready?" Happerlin asked.  
"To go home? Yeah! This place is confusing!" Ryoga said.  
"No you stupid boy! I mean, are you ready to party! Lets go and try to pick up some pretty ladies!"  
"These two dimensions are too similar, are you sure your real name isn't Happosai?" Ryoga asked, the little wizard perched on his shoulder and went on and on about the various names his parents had picked out for him. B ut despite the small talk he and Happerlin exchanged on the way to the ballroom he kept thinking about Ukygo.  
  
Ryoga sat with Happerlin at a triangular table, there was a grand ball going on, Ryoga didn't have much interest though. He wanted to go home.  
Besides, Ukygo–who didn't seem any more keen on attending than he was–was avoiding him, and it was just as well, he had no idea what to say to her.  
Nabiatrix came by a little while ago, saying that he was the only person to talk to since her father was talking to Ukygo about knighthood, Kasumian was being deprogramed, and Ranmorgan and Arkane were too . . . mushy to be anywhere near. Only for them 'mushy' also involved quite a bit of arguing. But Nabiatrix had only stayed a moment before the strikingly attractive Red Knight–who, without the helmet resembled Kinnosuke–managed to lure her away for a moment that had probably lasted a half hour now.  
"Wow, this party is great . . . but y'know, I'd really rather be back home." Ryoga observed.  
"ARF!" Checkers agreed.  
"Really? Are you sure? Life will be much easier for you here."  
"How so?" Ryoga asked.  
"You'll be a war hero. And you'll have the love of a princess, and a fellow knight of the realm." Happerlin explained.  
"You must be joking."  
"I kid you not. Nabiatrix is trying to make you jealous, and Ukygowain keeps glancing at you."  
"I still want to go back." Ryoga said.  
"Why?" Happerlin asked. "Just think, if you stayed here and became the new first knight you could inspire the troops to be more loyal to you than they are to Sounthur, rise up and conquer the realm with your beautiful queens, and appoint me your prime minister in charge of human resources!"  
"Human resources?"  
"Slavery."  
"I will not!" Ryoga cried.  
"Aww man." Happerlin sighed.  
"Listen, I'm grateful to you for showing me this terrifying alternate reality, but I have to go back to my own world." Ryoga said.  
"Are you certain?" Happerlin asked.  
"Yes." Ryoga said.  
"Well . . . alright." Happerlin said.  
"And you said you'd cure my curse?"  
"Right . . ." Happerlin waved his hands and there was a magic flash. "Now, when you get splashed with cold water you wont turn into a girl."  
"Great!" Ryoga said. He frowned . . . something wasn't right.  
"Now . . . let's get you out of here." Happerlin said. He led Ryoga out to the balcony that Ryoga hadn't noticed before. Ryoga looked out at the kingdom. It was aglow with bonfires, people celebrating their victory, there would probably be a shortage of beer in the morning, and no shortage of hangovers.  
"Is it not a magnificent sight?" Nabiatrix asked. "So many people have died, it is as if the survivors plan to replenish the number with a single night of wine, women, more women, and then maybe a bit of song before even more women."  
"Yeah . . . well that's the way it goes." Ryoga said.  
"You know, since Genmalot deserted the only other knight of this realm is Kunobir. Thus he is guaranteed first-knighthood by default."  
"So your wealthy fiancee becomes wealthier. That must be exciting." Ryoga forced a grin.  
Nabiatrix shrugged. "I do not plan to marry him, no matter how wealthy he becomes." She said simply. "I've fallen in love with someone else."  
"Right, Red Knight." Ryoga said, then coughed under his breath 'pushover.'  
"No, I was talking about the only other person with a chance at the title of first knight." Nabiatrix said softly. The ignorant lost boy failed to detect the seduction in her tone. "I've fallen in love with Sir. Ryoga of the Wolf's Fang."  
"You've done what?!" Ryoga gulped. He'd thought Happerlin was just lying to try to get him to overthrow the kingdom! Ukygo and Nabiatrix!"  
"It's true." Nabiatrix said, moving a little closer to him. "And if you were to remain here in Rubadub, rather than returning to your own land you would become the first knight, the head of our diminished military, the defender of the weak and innocent. Just try not getting engaged to a princess then." Nabiatrix laughed weakly.  
"Well . . . to be honest, knighthood isn't my interest, I just want to go home. Right Checkers?"  
"RUFF."  
"Ryoga . . ." Nabiatrix trailed off, Ryoga turned to her, she lunged forward and wrapped her arms around him. "Will you return?"  
"Huh? I don't think I will." Ryoga admitted.  
"What if the kingdom were in great peril, would you return then?"  
"Uh . . . I guess so." Ryoga said. 'Wait . . . I shouldn't have said that . . .' he thought.  
"Then . . . until we meet again, for we shall meet gain." Nabiatrix said, Ryoga was about to ask what she'd meant by that, but she leaned forward, her lips coming closer and closer to his . . .  
And Happerlin chose that very moment to send him back to his own time.  
  
Ryoga opened his eyes, his head hurt a great deal, but the last thing he remembered was that he was about to kiss Nabiatrix . . . and so he did.  
"Ugh!" Nabiki gasped and shoved him away. "Very funny!"  
"Huh? What?" Ryoga looked around . . . he felt groggy. He looked around . . . Ranma was there . . . Akane was there . . . Nabiki was there . . . even Ukyo was there! "You guys . . . I had the most wonderful dream . . . except you were there . . . and you . . . and you!" He said. He rubbed his head.  
"Are you okay?" Akane asked.  
"Where am I?" Ryoga asked.  
"At the renaissance fair." Ranma said. "You got blown here by a tornado, yer dog too but she went off to find a paramedic. Ya look fine though."  
"I don't feel fine." Ryoga groaned.  
"Well you landed right on top of my Okonomiyaki cart," Ukyo said, "luckily the calamari broke your fall."  
"That's . . . good."  
"You weren't breathing, so Checkers went to get help, and we drew straws to see who'd give you mouth-to-mouth." Akane added.  
"I wasn't breathing . . . so you drew straws to see who would have to save me?" Ryoga blinked.  
"Not just that, we tried Rock, Paper, Scissors, but it kept coming out a tie, we tried playing hands on the bat, but some people," Akane jerked her thumb at Ranma, "kept cheating, so we drew straws and it fell on Nabiki."  
"You jerk!" Nabiki spat. "It'll be all over school that I kissed a younger guy!"  
"You guys did all that before making the attempt to save my life?"  
"Don't misunderstand sugar," Ukyo said, "it's not that we wanted you to die, it's just Ranma Honey wouldn't do it, I cant do it because I'm engaged to Ranma Honey, Akane probably wouldn't do it right, and Nabiki wanted to know what was in it for her if she did it."  
"My friends." Ryoga said a little sarcastically. But then it didn't matter, after his adventure it was just so good to be back! Ryoga laid back and stared at the sky. "I'm back . . . this is great! And I'm cured! No more Ranko . . . eh? Wait . . . I'm not Ranko, I'm P-Chan . . ." he whispered. He paused and remembered what Happerlin said. "THAT RAT!" He cried, leaping up. "He cheated me!"  
"Huh?" Ranma scratched his head.  
"Uh? Oh nothing." Ryoga sighed. "Just a dream that felt really real." He shook his head and threw his pack over one shoulder and felt weighed down. "What the . . ." he opened it up and found his armor, Ukygo's spell book, his medal . . . "Impossible . . ." Ryoga said, taking the singed helmet out of the pack.  
"Hey you!" A fair official said. "It's about time you showed up! We called and said we needed a replacement jouster like two hours ago, you sure took your time!"  
"Huh? What? But I–"  
"C'mon, let's go!" The guy said, dragging Ryoga off.  
  
"Wow! C'mon Ranma, lets go watch Ryoga joust!" Akane said.  
"If we have to . . ." Ranma sighed.  
"Well thanks to Ryoga my cart is ruined . . . Konatsu, clean this up!" Ukyo said. "Wanna see him joust, Nabiki?"  
"Sure. There's nothing better to do." The older girl shrugged. She moved her index finger across her lips . . . "Y'know he's a pretty good kisser. Don't you dare tell him I said that."  
"Your secret is safe with me, sugar." Ukyo grinned.  
"Now lets go see Ryoga get the stuffing beaten out of him on horseback!" Nabiki smiled.  
"Cant think of a better way to spend the day." Ukyo agreed.  
  
The End . . .  
  
A/N: Yes, that's the end, I want to thank everyone who reviewed this story and tolerated the ridiculous amount of time it took to finish. Now that you've read the whole thing, treat yourself to milk and cookies, and any leftovers in your fridge before they come to life. 


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